For nearly a year now, I’ve known deep down inside that I want it. But the thought of it was so overwhelming and intimidating that I was unable to state it openly — even to myself. A few things were holding me back: fear of the operation itself; parting permanently with a body part that played a role in who I was in the world (whether I liked it or not); and last but not least, the monumental cost. It’s so pricey that my heart breaks knowing I don’t have that kind of money currently.

I’ve now begun the task of exploring possible solutions (eg. a loan), as well as looking into who I might want as a surgeon, what the procedure will entail, what’s involved in the post-operative care and routine hygiene once I recover. Then there’s the ins and outs of vaginal sex (pun intended). Seriously. For instance, last night I was reading about how vaginal depth can vary after sexual reassignment surgery, and that it’s important to evaluate the girth and length of a guy’s penis before intercourse.

Anyway, there’s just way too much stuff going on in my brain right now to put everything into a single post. Heck, there are so many thoughts swimming around up there that I can’t sort them well enough at the moment to write longer than three paragraphs. I just consider this the first post of many to follow dealing with the surgery. In the next one, I will talk about some of the reasons why I believe the operation makes total sense in the context of who I am sexually and gender identity-wise, and just who I am, period.